Now that I have three kids, I can look back on those early days as a mom and see just how simple it actually was! Going from two kids to three wasn’t so bad, but going from one to two was absolutely terrifying. Luckily for me, my first and second daughters were spaced almost four years apart. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to have two kids close together in age. Also, to my advantage, my second daughter was a super easy baby. She practically slept her entire first year!

Adjusting to Life with Two Kids

The thing about having two kids is that you don’t get to have those precious one-on-one moments with your second child. When my first daughter was a baby, and for several years afterward, it was just the two of us. We would sleep late, go shopping, take naps together, drive around (the car made her calm), snuggle up at bedtime, etc. Then we’d wake up and do it all over again the next day.

There’s a sacredness to the relationship you have with your first child. When the second one comes around, life gets a lot more practical. No longer can you laze away your days watching cartoons together or meeting grandma for lunch. Now, there are two kids to wrangle, and things become a lot more complicated.

The first major issue I had when my second daughter was born was the fact that my first daughter was very jealous of her. Jealous of the time I now had to give to another child. Jealous of the fact that I could no longer bend to the unstructured schedule we had before. Just so you know, jealousy is the kid version of resentment. And man, did my first-born resent me. At 15 years old, she’s still mad at me for procreating two more times after she was born. On particularly hard days, she’d say, “See? You should have stopped after you had me. Remember how easy life was before you had three kids?” Teenagers…

The second issue with two kids is managing two different schedules. As I mentioned before, baby number two loved to sleep, so that was good. But sometimes she slept too much, and we couldn’t leave the house until she woke up. This was a hard adjustment for me as a free-wheeling, wild-hearted person who likes to fly by the seat of my pants. I often felt like I was being grounded and sometimes even imprisoned in my own home. At some point, I decided to just come and go as I pleased and figured my second daughter would have to adjust to my schedule instead of the other way around. But, I didn’t do that until around her first birthday, so that first year with two kids was particularly tough.

The third major issue of going from one kid to two is how much it affects your marriage. When there’s only one baby, chances are that either you or your husband is fairly rested at all times. With two kids, you each kind of get assigned to one. My husband and oldest daughter spent a lot of time together after my second daughter was born. They would go on hikes and spend days shopping so I could be alone with my (very sleepy) second baby. I would take that time to clean and rest, but sometimes I felt dread when my husband and oldest daughter would return from their adventures. Inevitably, they would want my attention, and I simply had no energy left at the end of the day. My husband and I were pretty distant in those early days.

The good news is that my spouse did have to pitch in more, so even though we couldn’t be together as much as we wanted physically, we grew closer in a way because of how much effort we saw each other putting into this whole parenting gig. A new admiration and respect bloomed in our marriage, and that was the glue that temporarily held us together while our private time suffered.

In the end, kids get older and things get so much easier. They occupy their own time, and everyone falls into a routine. As I said before, we went on to have yet another daughter, so apparently going from one to two kids didn’t really traumatize us too much. Adding another kid didn’t change the existing dynamic a whole lot, and then I had two little helpers who would fetch diapers and entertain the baby for me when she was fussy.

I would never discourage anyone from moving past the only-child phase. Yes, it’s hard as hell to adjust to two kids after only having one, but it’s entirely worth it. My kids still fight all the time, but I hope know that one day, they’ll be the very best of friends. I just know it (sarcasm font)!!

So, if you have any hesitation about putting another bun in the ol’ oven…don’t! Just be mentally prepared for how life-changing another kid will be. Talk to friends who already have multiple kids and get their insight and input on how to adjust when your time comes, and you’ll be just fine. I promise! And if you aren’t, just remember that this too shall pass…faster than you could ever imagine. Like anything else in life, just take it one day at a time.

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My oldest daughter found out early. She was around six or seven when a well-meaning friend mentioned that she had discovered the Tooth Fairy was fake at a young age, all while my daughter, unbeknownst to us, was standing in the room behind us. My daughter looked at me in disbelief, and we both started crying as her innocence was shattered prematurely. My friend, to her credit, couldn’t stop apologizing for revealing the truth.

The Heartache of Growing Up

My middle daughter was around nine when she found out, courtesy of my firstborn. She was completely unfazed and moved on without any ill feelings. Her indifference was oddly comforting to me.

Now, my youngest—who’s currently 10—began getting suspicious this year after hearing “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” on the car radio. I glanced at her face in the rearview mirror and saw the wheels turning. She asked if Santa was really Daddy, and before I could respond, she declared, “Yes, that must be it.” Then, she accused my husband and me of buying and bringing the gifts on Christmas Eve.

And thus began my moral dilemma. Of course, she was right, and I had spent her entire life enforcing the idea that honesty is the best policy—always tell the truth, never lie. But innocence fades so quickly, especially in our social media-obsessed world, where everyone knows everything, whether they want to or not. And she’s my youngest. Her knowing the truth would sadly mark the end of an era—my kids being kids, none the wiser.

Instead of admitting that she was correct, I chickened out and changed the subject. I’m just not ready to burst her bubble. Maybe she senses that and doesn’t want to burst mine either by telling me that she already knows the truth. Her sisters get upset with me and urge me to set her straight, simply because they’re tired of living the charade themselves. I tell them to hush and threaten them with punishment if they ever let the cat out of the bag.

To make matters worse, my husband and I frequently go out “Christmas shopping” now that my teenager is old enough to babysit. In reality, we just go on dates with each other, but my youngest has asked about this, too. She wonders why we need to go shopping if Santa’s the one who delivers the gifts. I respond with yet another falsehood, claiming that Santa brings some gifts while we give others. Lies, lies, lies. There’s a large box of presents in my closet that I’ve told the kids to stay away from, which only makes things more confusing for my daughter.

I’m guessing this will be the last year of this charade. I’m pretty sure she’s figured it out, and soon she’ll start asking about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I imagine I’ll break down and admit the truth sooner rather than later. The mix of sadness, guilt, and wistfulness will flood me for the third time in my parenting life. I hope she’s easy on me when it happens. After I come clean, I’ll tell her what I told my other two daughters.

Santa is real. No, not the guy who miraculously travels the world in one night delivering gifts to millions of kids, but the concept of Santa is alive and well. The reason we’re really here is to serve and love. It’s all about giving, not getting. They call it the most wonderful time of the year for a reason. We’re all idealists in December, filled with hope, positivity, and enthusiasm for all that’s good in the world. If we’ve had a hard year, it’s almost over, ending in the warm glow of Christmas cheer and preparing us for the fresh start ahead.

It’s okay to believe in fantasies. From the time our kids are little, we enrich their lives with them—princesses, fairy tales, dragon slayers. We do everything we can to stimulate their imaginations and let creativity run wild. Why stop at Santa and his fellow holiday mascots? Daydreaming and fantasizing can make life more bearable, especially when things get tough. I say we encourage those things.

As for my youngest daughter, I’ll let her decide when she no longer believes. I certainly won’t be the one to sit her down and say, “We’ve lied to you all along. It’s time to grow up and face reality.” As for you and your kids? Only you can decide when the time is right to tell your kids about Santa. And only you can decide how to explain why you didn’t tell them earlier. I hope every child understands that their parents always have their best interests at heart, even when it involves little lies.

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However, many factors determine whether this is truly the case. Anytime a spouse gives part of themselves—emotionally, physically, or otherwise—to someone else, it’s wrong. Plain and simple. Yet, the specifics of the affair can deepen the hurt. Let’s explore…

Who
This is a big one. If the person your spouse is having an affair with is an acquaintance, friend, or family member of yours, it can be even more painful. You’re being betrayed by not just one, but two important people in your life. Discovering your cousin has been meeting your spouse behind your back is more devastating than if it were a stranger from a bar. This applies to both online and physical affairs, as you’ve been betrayed twice.

What
What exactly are your spouse and the other person engaging in? Are they expressing love and devotion, whispering sweet nothings, or texting inappropriate pictures in various stages of undress? Is it love or just lust? Which bothers you more? Are they secretly meeting up, pretending to travel for work when it’s really for pleasure? Are they planning to run away and elope? Has there been no physical contact at all, but their emotional bond is enough for the affair to continue? What happens—or doesn’t—can have a significant emotional impact on you. Some things can be forgiven, while others may not.

When
When did the affair start? Was it under your nose, or was it flaunted in front of you with flirtation and innuendo? Did it begin after a major life event, like the birth of a baby, or when your spouse was dealing with depression after a job loss? If your spouse spent late nights online, claiming it was “research” or “gaming,” but you later discover they were actually seeking a new love interest, that can be devastating. If a neighbor saw an opportunity to seduce your spouse while you were at work, that’s also heartbreaking. There’s never a good time for an affair to enter your life.

Where
Where was the affair taking place? An online affair with someone across the globe can be just as painful as one with the guy from the PTA. If your spouse is involved with someone in your own bed, it may be unforgivable. Running around town on dates as if they’re a married couple isn’t just humiliating for you; it’s arrogant on their part.

Why
This one’s the hardest: WHY? Why would your spouse cheat on you in the first place? What went wrong? Maybe you thought everything was fine. Maybe everything was fine, but the opportunity arose, and your spouse couldn’t resist the excitement of a potential romance. Perhaps they thought an online affair wasn’t really cheating—and maybe you feel that way too. Maybe your spouse was bored, or maybe you were. No sparks. No fire. Nothing. Maybe you tried counseling, and it didn’t work. Maybe there’s no reason at all, which makes it hurt even more.

How
How did you find out about the affair? Do you even want to know? Sometimes people can’t cover their tracks. Others are careless and leave a chat window open or forget to log out. Once you find out, how do you deal with the situation? Do you confront your spouse or the other person? It’s important to think this through before taking any actions that could harm your relationship further. Getting a neutral third party, such as a therapist or lawyer, involved may be wise.

If your spouse cheated—whether online or physically—can you move past it? Is there hope for your marriage? Can you forgive, or at least try to? Perhaps you no longer want to make it work. If that’s the case, consider your children’s feelings. Divorce can be emotionally damaging for children. If your spouse is truly repentant and asks for your forgiveness, consider it.

There are many questions surrounding adultery. Some people are chronic cheaters. You may not realize it until after you’ve married. Others may cheat during a low point in their life, seeking a way out. Some may have a midlife crisis and fear growing old with the same person. Regardless of why your spouse chooses to cheat, it’s never okay. Whether it’s online, physical, emotional, or for any other reason, it’s never okay. Marriage vows are sacred, and “for better or worse” and “‘til death do you part” mean something! Sadly, one spouse often takes vows more seriously than the other. Being betrayed hurts. Being cheated on hurts. And standing at the fork in the road, forced to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life and your children’s lives, hurts even more.

Affairs are painful, no matter the circumstances. Hopefully, this is something you won’t encounter in your marriage, either through your spouse or any temptation of your own. And if you do, I hope you can move past it for the sake of everyone involved.

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Everyone knows that having kids can complicate dating. Some people are put off by the idea of possibly becoming a stepmother or stepfather in the future. They may say they didn’t sign up for it or that they don’t want to take on that responsibility. But guess what? Those people aren’t right for you. You have kids, and you need to own that fact, putting your flesh and blood above all else.

But what if you don’t? What if you lie? The consequences can be devastating for everyone involved.

The Consequences of Hiding the Truth

For You

Maybe you meet the love of your life online or while out on the town. Perhaps you hesitate to mention your kids for fear of scaring them away. But what if you gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed they were a decent person? As we mentioned before, if they don’t want anything to do with kids, they’re not right for you. You can’t reverse parenthood—the kids are here to stay. However, if you meet “the one” and don’t mention your kids, and they find out later, they’ll think you’re a liar and ditch you on the spot. Then what? You’ve lost the chance at a lifetime of love and romance with the person meant for you. Don’t screw it up!

For Him/Her

This isn’t a game. The person you’re dating is just like you—lonely and hungry for love. They have feelings, and toying with them is wrong. Letting someone fall head over heels in love with you and then revealing that you have kids later on can devastate them. Not only that, but you’ll gain a reputation as a lying jerk. With social media today, word will spread quickly, and you’ll be lucky to get another date. On top of that, your kids might find out that you denied their very existence.

For Your Kids

Nothing could be worse for a vulnerable child than discovering their parent has been pretending they were never born just to manipulate someone into loving them. Children of single parents are already fragile due to divorce or the loss of a parent. You must consider their emotional state when bringing someone new into the picture, especially if that person may eventually become a stepparent.

For Your Friends and Family

Integrity is key. Do you really want to attract someone who doesn’t like kids? Someone who doesn’t like your kids? Someone who won’t be the best parent they could be to your children if you end up married? If you lie to get someone to date you, your friends and family will find out. Then what? Your reputation as a liar will be cemented. Sure, family and friends are supposed to forgive missteps, but they won’t forget. Moreover, these people likely love your children and would be horrified to know you’ve been pretending they never existed.

For Your Ex

Granted, you may not care what your ex thinks about you, but you did create life together. That life—the children—is something you both love and cherish. It may be the one bond you still share. If you lie about your kids’ existence to someone you date and your ex finds out, you’re only giving them the satisfaction of knowing they made the right decision in ending their relationship with you. You’re also causing them more pain by denying the one thing you both can be proud of. If hurting your ex is your goal, spare all the other single people out there and live a life of solitude.

Clearly, there’s no good reason to lie about having kids when dating—or lying for any other reason! You can’t build a solid relationship on lies, especially about something as important as your kids. Sooner or later, your new partner will find out, and maybe, if you’re lucky, they won’t mind that you forgot to mention your children. But beyond that, your kids, friends, family, and ex will all eventually learn about your dishonesty. Is it worth the risk? Could you ever forgive yourself for denying your own children?

Do the right thing. Be upfront when reentering the dating world. If you create a profile on an online dating site, mention your kids. When you approach a potential partner, mention your kids. When you meet up for a first date, mention your kids. If things progress, mention them often, and maybe your new sweetheart will fall even deeper in love with you for being such a caring, invested parent. Remember the famous line about the tangled web? It’s in your control to keep things honest. Blood is thicker than water, and your kids deserve to come first.

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Many women love a good challenge. Heck, I may be one of them. Nothing piques my interest more than finding something—or someone—I can “fix.” While this personality trait may be great when it comes to inanimate objects like a fixer-upper house or a piece of antique furniture that needs a little TLC, it’s not always ideal when it comes to “renovating” people.

Sadly, many women meet a guy who’s a little rough around the edges, and they immediately envision how they can spruce him up and make him a decent human being. In the end, these women end up hurt, frustrated, and disappointed over and over again. Yet somehow, they keep running back into the arms of their “project.”

The Cost of Fixing a Project

So why does this happen? What makes a perfectly good woman torture herself with a loser boyfriend, husband, or ex who does nothing but make her cry and lose every ounce of hard-won self-esteem?

For some women, it’s a matter of pride. They think that someday, somehow, they’ll finally turn their frog into the prince they know he is deep down inside. For others, they grew up in a house where their father treated them the same way, and in their eyes, it’s an entirely normal relationship dynamic. Some women are simply lonely and want to be wanted, so any little hint of interest from their “knight in shining armor” is enough to string them along. None of these are worthy reasons.

Unfortunately, this puts the man in a position of power. He quickly learns how to manipulate this needy girl and controls her every move by offering and withholding his “love” strategically. She becomes a puppet on a string that he maneuvers to his advantage. Friends and family may see that she’s suffering, but no amount of pleading can get her to realize it, or at least acknowledge what she already knows is true.

For loved ones, the only thing they can usually do in these situations is wait. Wait for her to open her eyes. Wait for her to see their point of view. Wait for her to catch him in a lie. Wait for her to find out that he has a whole different life outside of their relationship, possibly including other women and kids. Wait for her to hit rock bottom. Wait for him to just go away already.

Some men are like drugs. They know how to make women feel good, but that doesn’t mean they’re good for them. They give just enough pleasure, attention, “love,” compliments, and charm to keep her coming back for more. Just one more time. Just one more hit. In fact, many of these men are sociopaths. Others are just losers.

Speaking of sociopaths, that’s a whole other ball game. A woman involved with a sociopath is in a great position of danger. Sociopaths are masters of manipulation. Their charming personalities and dashing good looks make people fall for them fast. Once they have someone in their clutches, they gain complete control over that person’s life. Many women suffer from PTSD after breaking away from these types of relationships, if they’re able to at all.

In these situations, an intervention may be appropriate. If you notice a loved one has fallen victim to a sociopath, consult a professional who can help you talk to the victim and help her escape the relationship. Sometimes, police involvement and restraining orders may be necessary. Counseling can also be a good strategy for recovery.

If you happen to be a woman who loves a project yourself, please reconsider. Yes, dating is hard. Yes, it’s not easy to be alone. Yes, there aren’t many good choices out there in the singles population. But! There is one perfect man out there for you, and you just have to find him. Why waste time and energy on someone who doesn’t appreciate you? Sure, you may have temporary success in fixing up a fixer-upper, but old habits die hard. Sooner than you can imagine, your project may revert to his old ways. Accept that some men simply may not want to change, despite your best intentions.

If you know someone who loves the challenge of transforming a man into something better, all you can really do is listen to her and love her through the process. Unless, of course, the situation is becoming mentally, emotionally, or physically abusive. There’s a reason some women are okay with this, and getting to the root of the issue is often helpful.

Finally, some guys are just oblivious. Some truly are projects who turn out great after a little DIY by a good-hearted woman. These men are rare gems. Watching them mature and evolve into decent people after a little friendly nudging in the right direction can be entirely rewarding for everyone involved. The problem is, it’s a risk. How do you know if this man has potential? Or if he simply needs time to become everything he’s supposed to be? It takes a special kind of discernment to know for sure.

The name of the game is patience. Ladies, if you’re able, simply wait for the right man to come along. One who’s already a diamond, instead of a diamond in the rough. One who will put a diamond on your finger because you deserve it—not because you forced him to. Yes, some projects turn out great, but it can cost you years of blood, sweat, and tears to get him to that point. Ask yourself if it’s worth the challenge. If not, there are countless other ways in this life to challenge yourself—ways that won’t hurt you or cause heartache. Choose your projects wisely.

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Before you shut her down completely, consider her request thoughtfully. Of course there are legitimate reasons why you wouldn’t want her to alter her appearance in this manner, but if you really think it through, you may be able to see it from her perspective.

First things first, harken back to yesteryear and remember what it was like to be young and desperate to “find yourself”. Often, dressing in a certain style and coloring one’s hair is the first leap into this new life stage. Surely, there was a time that you wanted to express yourself through a new hairdo and hue. Keep this in mind when deciding if your daughter is allowed to transform her own tresses.

Here are several other factors to consider when reaching your verdict.

Age

Yes, it matters how old your child is. A five-year-old will certainly want to mimic the fantastical colors of a My Little Pony’s mane or that of a Disney princess’s hair. At this age, kids aren’t great at making life decisions such as this one, so you have to decide for them. If you’re cool with Suzie sporting her new hot pink ‘do on the first day of Kindergarten, then have at it. Otherwise, you’ll have to put your foot down and just say no. Another alternative is to use temporary spray on color that lasts until you shampoo her hair.

Fast forward a few years and acknowledge that a twelve- or fifteen-year-old is going to be more conscious of how they want to appear to the world. It’s certainly more reasonable to allow this minor change in appearance for older kids.

Color

Maybe your daughter wants to “go goth” and dye her hair the darkest shade of black. Or, perhaps she’d prefer to bleach it out to the brightest platinum blonde. Of course, both are extreme examples that are hard to “fix” should she change her mind, but the color she chooses should definitely be a factor in whether you allow her to alter the hue of her hair or not. A shade or two lighter or darker than her natural hair color is no big deal in the big scheme of things. Lime green is a different story. Be prepared to offer alternatives if you both can’t see eye to eye on this issue.

Permanent vs. Temporary

This is a big one. If you don’t love the idea of Sally changing her hair color, at least you can compromise and allow her to use a temporary shade that washes out after several shampoos. Not only is permanent hair color, well….permanent, but the harsh chemicals used in the formula can also seriously damage your daughter’s hair. Something for both of you to consider.

A natural alternative to chemical color is using dyes found in nature such as henna, cassia, and amla that are all derived from plants. But, buyer beware, you must buy high-quality powders that don’t contain metallic salts.

Brightly colored flavored drink powders are also a wonderful option to use instead of chemical color. They offer a temporary stain and also smell great as a bonus. Search online to see which ones would work the best for the look that your daughter is trying to achieve.

Cost

Coloring one’s hair can cost anywhere from a few dollars for spray on color to a couple hundred dollars for long salon processes like foil highlights or color correction. This should absolutely be a deciding factor is whether you allow your daughter to color her hair or not. Spending $200 for a ten-year-old to get lowlights for fall may be a bit extreme. But it may not be for a seventeen-year-old who’s preparing to go to a dance.

You can use cost as a negotiating factor in how serious your daughter is about changing her hair hue. If she wants it badly enough, she can chip in her own dough to help pay for the process.

Rules

One crucial thing to consider is whether your daughter’s school or place of work has rules about hair color. Some schools are stricter about someone showing up with electric blue hair than others are. Talk to your daughter about how having the latest trendy mermaid hair may hinder her chances of getting a job at the local retirement home she applied to. These are things that many kids don’t have the forethought to think of, so giving them a heads up is important.

I took an informal poll of five of my mom friends and it turns out that they’re all pretty cool. Most said they’d allow their daughter to change her hair color, but that they’d prefer temporary shades and for their daughters to chip in for the expense. It would seem our society is now fairly open to pretty much any shade of hair color without batting an eye.

Personally, I have three daughters and have allowed all of them to dye their hair at one stage or another. My youngest has had red henna hair and blue powdered drink mix hair. My middle daughter, who could care less about her appearance, reluctantly allowed me to henna her hair once as well. And my oldest daughter’s hair has been every color of the rainbow. That said, she recently realized how damaging chemical color can be to her locks, so she opted to dye it back to her natural color and allow it to grow out. Smart.

So, should you let your daughters color their hair?

The simple answer is “yes”. Why not? It’s only hair and hair is one of the few ways a child can express his or her own personal style. Before you know it, little Lucy will have gray hair she’ll have to cover with dye, so let her have fun while she’s young.

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When you get married, you commit your very self to your spouse: mind, body, soul, and spirit. But, in far too many marriages, one person or the other ends up transferring that allegiance to their job and to meeting their boss’s demands instead. If all your time is taken up by working, or thinking about work, what do you have left to give your spouse? Your boss has never vowed to be there for you through sickness and health, for better for worse…till death do you part. Only one person in the world gave you’re their word and that person should never feel that they come second to your job.

Another way a job can put a strain on a marriage is if you decide to “follow your passion”, regardless of how impractical or selfish it may be…and especially without your spouse’s consent. Have you dreamt of being a lifeguard at the beach your whole life? If you have a mortgage and kids to put through college, you may want to put that dream on the shelf. Or have you always wanted to perform comedy on cruise ships? Sorry again…you have people who depend on you. Some dreams are meant to be just that…dreams. Making decisions a single person has the freedom to make, despite the fact that you very much are not single, is a recipe for disaster.

Or perhaps you have a taste for danger. Nope. You can’t get hitched to the love of your life and then spring the idea on her that you want to become a professional skydiving instructor. That’s just not fair. Nor can you let him know that you’ve decided to pursue lion taming. This isn’t what your spouse signed up for when he or she married you. They signed up for a husband or wife who would come home from work in one piece, fully intact and in no clear and present danger of losing a limb, or his or her life! Daydream about danger and stay safe in the meantime.

One’s income, whether too high or too low, can also ruin a marriage. If you’re making significantly more money than your spouse and you rub it in his or her face regularly, you’re just setting the stage for resentment down the line. And if you take a job that underpays you and causes your family to endure a financial strain, that can also be a marriage killer. You and your spouse should always discuss any job offers before they’re accepted to ensure the proposed salary won’t cause marital issues for either spouse.

Also, be sure not to get too buddy buddy with your co-workers. Of course, you need work friends. Any work day goes by faster when you have pals to joke around with amidst the pressures of deadlines and cranky bosses, but when your colleagues take up too much of your non-work time, that’s bad news. Even worse is becoming particularly close to one specific co-worker who you begin to jokingly dub your “work wife” or “work husband”! Not funny. Emotional affairs are not only real things, but also can end up being very damaging things. You may eventually start to confide more in your “work spouse” than your actual one. One thing can lead to another and physical temptations my come into play. Then your “work wife” becomes more than just a silly role someone’s playing. If you’re facing temptation of this kind at work, seriously consider asking for a reassignment or looking for a new job altogether. No job is more important that your marriage!

Sadly, a lot of people have to travel for work. This can also put a huge amount of strain on any marriage, especially if kids are involved. Leaving a spouse at home all week, every week of the year can cause a tremendous strain on both their life, and the health of your marriage. Effectively making your spouse a single parent by traveling throughout the year is something you must be sensitive to. It’s imperative that you offer your husband or wife extra support on the weekends, especially with the kids, to help prevent them from burning out. If traveling often for work is an arrangement that works beautifully for you and your spouse, then by all means, carry on. However, if your marriage starts to suffer, reconsider your job’s demands.

The reality is a job is a job and it should not control your life, nor should it negatively affect your marriage and home life. If you find that your spouse is struggling because of your career choices, it’s time to sit down and decide if it’s worth jeopardizing your marriage or not. Even if you’re earning a huge annual income, always remember that money cannot buy happiness. Regardless of your paycheck, your spouse may not be quite as enthusiastic about your occupation as you are. Yes, you could try marriage counseling before embarking on a job search, but you’ll still be at the same job once your sessions have ended. Your first priority in life should always be your spouse and keeping your marriage a happy one, and a job should never get in the way of that. Make a pro/con list if you have to, but honestly evaluate your priorities and ensure your keeping everything in the right order. Never allow a mere job to ruin your sacred and precious marriage.

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Now I have a teenager of my own, and I find myself reliving all the nightmarish aspects of those years all over again, this time through her eyes. Some things have changed a lot since I was her age, and other things, not at all. The cliques are still alive and well. The petty girl fights among “friends”, the awkwardness, the self-consciousness…all still there. The only problem is, now I have to watch her navigate it all and there’s not much I can do to help her besides remind her that I can at least commiserate with what she’s going through.

The big difference between back in the day and now is the existence of social media. These kids’ lives are put on display for all the world to see, judge, evaluate, criticize, praise, etc. They are so vulnerable and open to others’ comments and approval, or lack thereof in many cases. Cyberbullying is so prevalent now and is definitely one thing we never had to deal with as kids. As a mom who monitors her child’s social media accounts, I have a front row view into how other kids treat mine in the virtual world. Sometimes, it’s not pretty.

Growing up and morphing from a child into an adult is so excruciatingly painful. I remember my hardest year being when I was eighteen years old. So badly did I want my freedom, despite being terrified to break away and be on my own. All the while I was mourning the official end of my childhood. The pain was palpable, and I expressed it as anger towards those closest to me. Perhaps tearing myself away from them was the only way I felt I could finally get away even though I wanted nothing more than for them to hold me closer. My heart hurts thinking that my daughter might go through the same trial one day.

There’s so much pressure on the shoulders of teens. Many go to school full-time, and have a part-time job, and homework, and extracurricular activities, and a social life, etc. It would be too much for even the most energetic adult to handle, let alone for a child, regardless of the fact that they may already have an adult-sized body. And consider the fact that teenagers don’t have a choice about much of what they have to do. They have to go to school, it’s the law. If they want a car or to help pay for gas and insurance, they have to have a part-time job. Playing sports, or being in school clubs, all these things look great on college applications, and most teens are college-bound, or at least hope to be. Top it all off with the desire for a genuine and active social life. A teen’s desperate need for approval often trumps all the rest. It’s no wonder so many teenagers struggle through these formative years.

Perhaps the most painful part of watching your child grow into their teenage years is the angst and inner turmoil that seems to consume them. Knowing your child will be his or her own worst enemy for a certain period of his or her life is so painful to witness, only because you’ve gone through this time period yourself. I can think back and remember how angry I was over absolutely nothing. I couldn’t tell you why I was so mad. Maybe because of all the aforementioned activities weighing me down, but mostly, it’s just part of the metamorphosis from sweet-natured child to independent, free-thinking adult.

Comforting teens is not always easy either. They’re prickly and distant and don’t want Mommy’s kisses or Daddy’s hugs anymore. They feel they need to jump their own hurdles, but as their parent, you know you can ease their pain even just a little if only they’d let you. So tempting is it to want to become their friend during this rocky period, but so crucial it is to be steadfast as the main authority figure in their life. It’s a fine balance to keep them on the straight and narrow while remaining a tender respite for them to retreat to in times of turmoil.

Some teens go too far into angst territory and rebel. Most teens rebel in some ways, usually physically by piercing their ears a second time or dying their hair an unnatural hue, but others go a much more dangerous path. If your teen falls into drugs, alcohol, sex, bullying, or crime, prepare for your heart to be broken. You must have a strict policy on these things and do something drastic the first time you realize your child is engaging in these activities. I always tell my teen that if I ever catch her doing any of several of the above, the police will be contacted. Harsh, I know, but I love her too much to let her ruin her own life.

My daughter is currently only thirteen-years-old. We haven’t even broached the time of boyfriends, driving, or many other older teen issues. I shudder to think of what’s coming up ahead. It’s hurts to see your child struggle regardless of his or her age, but when he or she is a teenager, it hurts just a little bit more for some reason. Maybe because it wasn’t so long ago that you were in those shoes yourself.

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But honestly, there is a sadness—or perhaps more appropriately, a bittersweetness—that comes with every stage of motherhood. For the sensitive and sentimental mother, these emotions can sometimes feel crushing to the spirit. I happen to be that type of mom, and my maternal feelings fluctuate wildly throughout each day of parenting my three daughters. It can be exhausting, and I try to control my emotions instead of letting them control me—usually to no avail.

The Ghosts of Motherhood

You see, this sadness I speak of haunts me like the three spirits from A Christmas Carol: The Ghost of Motherhood Past, the Ghost of Motherhood Present, and the Ghost of Motherhood Yet to Come. Each new day brings a full range of feelings that sometimes catch me off guard and can even launch me into a state of melancholia. Not to say that it’s an undesirable state. I’ve grown very comfortable with it and embrace this part of motherhood fully as a necessary element of who I am. After all, going with the flow is one of the key ways to truly enjoy motherhood.

Some days, I’m so wistful that I spend hours reminiscing about how my kids were once sweet, little babies. I miss the delicious smell of their peach-fuzz-covered heads. I long to hold them in my arms and feel their soft breath on my neck as they sleep. I wish I could go back for just one day and experience it all over again. I’m consumed by regret for ever hoping the long, hard days of their infancy would go by faster. Looking through old pictures leaves me feeling solemn and remorseful rather than happy and content. They exist simply to remind me that time flies by far too quickly.

Sadness in my present state of motherhood comes from watching my children struggle. Whether it’s with sickness, bullying, or bad grades, my heart aches when my girls face hardship of any kind. Each day they grow more independent, and I can’t simply kiss their boo-boos and make their pain go away like I could when they were little. Everyone has to overcome obstacles in life—even our kids—but even knowing that, it still hurts to see them suffer.

And the future? I literally cry over the future milestones of my motherhood. The major moments my daughters will reach—like getting a driver’s license, going to prom, graduating from high school, and then college, and eventually getting married?! Be still, my heart. And if my daughters and their husbands decide to move more than two hours away from us, all bets are off. I’ll be more than just “sad.”

It’s hard to think past that time in my life, but I know that once I have grandkids, I’ll likely experience some sadness related to them and their lives as well. Beyond that, I may encounter some sadness in my later years if my kids are too busy for me. I never want to be a burden to them—or at least, I never want to feel like a burden, even if I’m not. I try hard not to think too far ahead. There are too many uncertainties on the road ahead to predict what my future will be like with any accuracy.

All of this to say that I’m not always sad. Obviously, I experienced sadness before motherhood, but it was more self-centered, focused purely on myself and my own life. I also didn’t experience the same level of joy that I now do in my role as a mother. The joy that pride in our children brings is indescribable. Only other mothers (and maybe some fathers, too) can understand what I mean. The happiness of motherhood (almost) makes the sadness of it bearable.

Sadness is a part of life—for mothers and everyone else. But I truly believe that mothers feel ALL the feelings a little bit stronger than most. Our children are born of our flesh and blood. They are a physical part of our being, out walking around in the world. Their pain is our pain, just as their joy is our joy. We forfeit our autonomy and somewhat live vicariously through all of our children once they’re born. Our feelings are magnified and intensified—good or bad.

If I’ve learned anything as I’ve gotten older, it’s the importance of living in the moment. We moms can get bogged down if we spend too much time reminiscing about the past or worrying about the future. There are enough emotions in the day-to-day ins and outs of life to keep us busy for now. I think it’s also so important to teach our kids to live the same way. Living in the moment is the best way to achieve a content life. If they witness us obsessing over their early years too often, they might feel guilty about growing up. Likewise, if we spend all our time fretting about their future, they might end up terrified to grow up altogether.

Yes, so much about being a mom is very sad, but so much of it is magical, filled with unicorns and fairy dust. And that’s something we can be happy about.

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The Pressure of the Christmas Wish List

Of course, the Christmas wish list is very important! It gives parents a chance to see what their children would be happy to receive on the big day. The problem, however, is that many kids hope—or even expect—that they’ll receive every single item they’ve listed. Little do they know that Mom and Dad are simply trying to figure out how to afford at least some of what they want and are hoping they can prioritize and purchase the gifts their children most want. Oh, the stress of it all!

When kids are young, dolls, baseball gloves, toy guns, soccer balls, Nerf guns, etc., are typically within the range of “Santa’s” budget. But starting around age seven, the “wish lists” begin to be enough to give Mom and Dad a stroke! The Legos they put on their Christmas list a few years ago were a mere $29. Now, that just won’t cut it. This time around, they want the 31313 LEGO Mindstorms EV3, which just happens to cost over $300.

Luckily for you, your wonderful daughter (a tomboy, aged 10) said she’d be happy with that, since the PlayStation 4 she really wants is even more expensive. When you remind her how pricey her choices are, she says they really aren’t… since they don’t cost anything, because Santa will bring them!

Touché.

That’s the major problem with allowing your kids to “believe.” We want to give them the best childhood we can by letting the fantasy of Santa, the elves, and all the magic live on. But man, it costs a pretty penny to do so! Gone are the days when kids were happy with an orange and a few pennies in their stocking on Christmas morning. Kids these days have sophisticated tastes, and they’re not afraid to ask for the world.

The world we live in today is much more of an “indoor” one. We’d rather sit inside and stare at screens than spend time in the great outdoors. Unfortunately, screens cost an arm and a leg, and they become outdated almost as fast as we acquire them. Kids spend so much time on phones, tablets, TVs, e-readers, and handheld gaming devices that they rarely ask for much else on their Christmas wish list. $$$!!!

Is it not time to let kids know that sometimes, Santa is facing a recession, or that their choices are simply insane?! Asking for $300+ gifts is just plain nuts! I think it would be great if Santa would put out a press release and let the world (and especially our greedy little monsters) know that this year—and possibly every year for the next decade or so—Santa’s facing hard times. Due to layoffs, binding arbitration with Rudolph and the other moneygrubbing reindeer, increased sick day pay to the elves, etc., Santa can’t deliver like he used to. Alas, the wish list needs to become more realistic.

But how do we make our children understand that the mythical, magical man in the red suit has fallen on hard times? Isn’t the entire point of the Santa “fantasy” that by being good, we can have everything we want in life? How do you explain to a child that despite all their hard work toward being a fine, upstanding citizen, Santa just can’t reward them the way he’s supposed to? What’s a parent to do?

Keeping “the secret” while also being practical and sensible is a balancing act every family has to navigate. Kids are only young for what seems like a few short minutes in the grand scheme of things, and we want them to believe. But we also don’t want them to become greedy, shallow, materialistic consumers who think the purpose of life is acquiring every shiny new thing that catches their eye. This is especially true considering that most kids lose interest in their Christmas gifts a few months—or even weeks—after the season has passed. Nothing is more frustrating to a hardworking parent than seeing all those expensive gifts flung into a forgotten pile before their shine has even worn off.

Christmas should be a joyous time. However, thanks to advertising by big corporations, it has become extremely expensive and is slowly depleting Santa’s collective bank account. Though it may not help Santa this year, perhaps he should just give free Netflix to all the Moms and Dads of the world. This would ensure our wonderful children won’t see ads for things that “Santa’s Helpers” can’t afford next year. Perhaps he could throw in some ad blockers for the computer while he’s at it!

In the end, just remember that playing Santa is a relatively short phase in your life, and you’ll be sad when it’s finally over. Once your kids “find out,” they become a little more cynical and a little less enamored with the Christmas season. Yes, Christmases during your children’s younger years may practically break the bank, but one day soon you’ll miss perusing those scribbled Christmas wish lists. Your moody older children will make you long for their earlier days of wide-eyed wonder when everything seemed possible to them, and they truly believed they could have the world itself if they just asked Santa for it. And that innocent attitude? It’s priceless.

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